Emotional Pornography Peddlers

I received an email with the words of Andy Rooney, another one of the many feel-good mongers. These peddlers of emotional pornography, happiness out of context, encourage us to take aspartame coated thought pills to ease our pain and anxiety instead of engaging in the struggle for justice and life raging around us.

I’ve tried to stem my disgust by responding to Rooney’s “learned” words.

I’ve learned …. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
Who wants to be in a classroom? When learning from someone, face to face or shoulder to shoulder are the preferred positions. A dog or slave sits at your feet. Do dim elderly people have more to teach than clever young ones?

I’ve learned …. That when you’re in love, it shows.
When you’re in hate, anger, depression or despair shows as well.

I’ve learned …. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
What if that one person is Dirty Harry?

I’ve learned …. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
What’s the feeling of having a bloody dead child in your arms or one that is screaming in burning pain?

I’ve learned …. That being kind is more important than being right.
And having a right arm is more important than having a left leg, and that doing what is right is more important than producing banalities.

I’ve learned …. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
You obviously have a very limited experience of receiving gifts from kids, particularly the slimy kind.

I’ve learned …. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have
the strength to help him in some other way.
That might help you, but it’s not going to do much for the “him” you pray for.

I’ve learned …. That no matter how serious your life requires you to
be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I don’t require or expect goofiness from my friends or reject it when it comes.

I’ve learned …. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
When both of you are handcuffed you might prefer other needs.

I’ve learned …. That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
How do you know? You might be a better person if you did something else. From what I can see, it’s made you simple. Proof of this can be seen in the next statement.

I’ve learned …. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper”!? This supports my initial impression of what you are full of.

I’ve learned …. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
Do you know anyone who has gotten anything they asked for from God?

I’ve learned …. That money doesn’t buy class.
I guess you haven’t seen Pretty Woman.

I’ve learned …. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular …
as well as irritating and boring.

I’ve learned … That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
This explains everything. Everyone doesn’t have a hard shell. You must be a snail or a clam.

I’ve learned …. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
The purpose of ignoring facts is not to change them but to avoid, deny or hide them.

I’ve learned …. That love, not time, heals all wounds.
How about the wounds that heal without love? Some wounds heal better with a few stitches than all the love in the world.

I’ve learned …. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is
to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
You must be enormous.

I’ve learned …. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
Even pedophiles, serial killers and politicians?

I’ve learned …. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Nobody becomes perfect because someone falls in love with them and nobody falls in love with a perfect person.

I’ve learned … That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
The last I heard life is still here and you’re gone. Imagining yourself to be tougher than life must be the height of arrogance.

I’ve learned …. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
Ignoring the facts again, are we?

I’ve learned …. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
How about the people who are bitter because someone destroyed their happiness?

I’ve learned …. That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
Is this a recommendation to only use junk words, avoid hard facts and don’t speak sharp truths?

I’ve learned …. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
You’ve learned the everyone wants to live on top of the mountain?
And that they’re happy to make a long climb just to get home? Now I understand these words of learned wisdom you’ve been feeding us. You’re from another world.

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“Pretty thoughts can hide ugly realities.
So can booze and crack.”
Dartwill Aquila

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